One of the “pitfalls” associated with being dominant in a relationship (which becomes a common pitfall for a novice Dom) is putting too much emphasis on expectations and fantasies, without stopping to consult or even pay attention to the other person.
We think “Dominant” and immediately fantasize about power and control and the exercise of those desires, without acknowledging the reality: we are not the only person here, we are not a real master or a real kidnapper or anything else, but somehow it can get lost and we assume that “Dominant” means just that, and the other person is just a replaceable prop that we let’s play.
And then, to make matters worse, we have the potential to get angry when said person expresses an objection, in this case a perfectly reasonable, no, important gesture and we react as such.
FIRST LESSON: THE DOMINANT IS NOT (REALLY) RESPONSIBLE
It doesn’t have to be that way. Not at all, not ever, and especially not with someone who trusts you enough to be “responsible” for a scene or their fantasy.
Because it must be repeated over and over: as the Dominant, you are not responsible. At best, you are a co-author in this story. As such, you need to be aware of your partner just as much as yourself.
We say this because it’s easy to power trip as Dominant during a scene, and there are altered states that can happen to you (known by various names: dom-space, top-space, other miscellaneous terms. ).
Power dynamics are important here. As a Dominant, you derive your sensual experience and power from this role. But being a Dominant isn’t just about calling yourself Master or Mistress and flogging someone.
In fact, being a Dominant may not include the traditional elements of the Dominant game at all; it could be a look, a facial expression, a heavy breath, or a selection of chosen words that evoke a sense of power, strength and authority.
But overall, communication is the priority. A good dominant knows when to listen, when to act, and when to take a step back. It’s just as important to you as it is to the person you’re in the scene with, if not more.
The Dominant is the one who must be in control not only of the scene, but also of himself … at least for the duration of the scene.
Your playmate is the one who trusts you to be a safe person and to create a safe space for them to express their own pleasures, their own pain, their own desires, and their own shadows. He is confident in your sense of control over yourself.
