Usually making sure to handle your tools yourself first by feeling how the rope makes knots when tied to your arm or wrists, for example, before applying untested rope to your partner during the game can also help.
But we’ve seen potential Dominants who think that all you need to be dominant is yelling or threatening your partner and having equipment like chains or a rope or a gag.
We’ve all read some trashy novel that suggested that chains and cable ties are a good thing. No, this is not the case. And an experienced Dom knows it. He will be familiar and comfortable with his toys and tools.
They will observe their submissives and act on whatever makes them comfortable. Dominants can yell at their partners, sure, but only within the limits that the partners have set together.
This goes for faults as well as for Dominants who know what their skills and limits are. Dominance contains all of that too. The saying goes that you have to know yourself, and a Dominant should at least be on his way to knowing himself and knowing what he wants in order to best provide, give and nurture his submissives.
If you want to become a Dominant, you don’t need to have all the answers, but you must be prepared to explore where your baggage is coming from and what you can do about it. You must take responsibility for your own actions.
Are you going to make mistakes?
Yes, you are a human being; people are going to make mistakes along the way, sooner or later. This is part of gaining experience and upgrading.
It also means that if you have any risk factors or hard limits, you need to discuss them with your potential partners. Just because you’re Dominant in a relationship doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t have power.
What would happen if you were sick? To the hospital?
Do you want your partner to be able to look you in the eye and tell you that something is wrong or that something you have done or said is bothering them?
The submitted partner, if the submission is also made outside the room, does he have the choice to call you, send you a card, pay the joint bills?
If you’re sick and can’t meet a play date, is there a protocol or ritual to deal with this? Is there a protocol that will help you and your partner feel safe?
Does the submissive have the option of leaving you for another Dominant if the time you spend with him is not to the benefit of both parties?
All people do D / s a little differently. Some even write a BDSM contract to define in detail the holdings and outcomes of the relationship.
EACH BDSM MASTER AND EACH SUBMISSIVE IS UNIQUE.
Even if two Dominants using similar tools (for example, both use flogging) and coming from similar backgrounds, they are still two different people.
There are many types of Domination and Submission games out there, and Dominants also have different tastes, even though the tools they use are the same.
What bothers one may not bother the other. What may be one person’s hard limit may not be a problem for another, and so on. This means that you have to start from the beginning with communication and soul-searching for each of the partners you play with.
An example of variation is the Dominant’s name and the language he can use. Some Dominants prefer to use particular terminology to address them, and the terminology itself may have special meaning.
For example, a dominant partner may insist on being called “Mr.” and with the first letter capitalized to symbolically represent power dynamics when in a scene or discussing a scene.
Another Dominant can simply be “Jane”, while another Dominant will not use their first name at all during a scene but rather a title.
Some Dominants are very careful about how certain titles can be loaded with norms and standards.
“Master” can have very different connotations from “Mistress” and it can be helpful to unwrap these titles and the feelings they evoke. Do you think “Monsieur” is too masculine for you and want to use “Ser” instead?
Sure. Do you really like what it feels like to be called “Your Majesty”? Go for it. Don’t want to use an honorary title at all? Sure. Be yourself is the main thing.
This also applies to tools. Just because a Dominant can use a particular tool does not mean that all Dominants who use that tool take the same approach. Being a Dominant is something that evolves. It involves constant communication, reflection, and adjustment.
